Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
