she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
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So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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