I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
