When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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