so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
