Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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