Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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