my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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