I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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