I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
