Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
