Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
