How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Is it because I queefed?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?