I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.