I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
