I want to walk on stilts...naked
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
