hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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