My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
