I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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