I accidentally burped into my bong.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
