Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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