Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
