just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
