I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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