Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
