You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
