Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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