Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
this beer tastes like vomit already
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
