I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
