i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
