You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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