I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
