from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
