You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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