Someone shit on the floor
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize
