the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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