Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
