Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
