Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
