I'm passing your future prison.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
