He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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