I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
