I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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