My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
