Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
