I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
