I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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