Plan B is the new Plan A
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
