Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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