Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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