I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
