Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
