the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
