cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
