Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
