i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
