not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
