i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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