Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
