I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
