i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
