After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
