No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
