At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
